NKOTB Cruise 2014!

Now before we begin, a word to the sensitive…..

Lets just get right into it shall we? So we get to the port in NYC and praise to Allah, there seems to be no line! I always knew that New Yorkers would have their shit together, unlike those siesta loving, manjana manjana Miami types. I was wrong. There may have been no line outside but by Christ there was one inside. It was one of those 'deceptive' lines that doesn't look all that long but due to the cunning rope assault course that snaked round and round, you were pretty much guaranteed to see death before the counter. Of course, some impatient Blockheads did whatever they could to jump the line and when someone accidentally knocked one of the rope barriers over they took the opportunity to jump into the shorter line. They looked pretty smug. But not as smug as we looked when the Rose Tours rep let EVERYONE in our long ass line through and made them wait right until the end as punishment. bwahahaha!

A new element to this years cruise was the addition of a camera crew, there to document the stories of 5 sets of Blockheads for a new reality TV show called 'Rock This Boat'. A disclaimer form was shoved in our hands as we waited in line giving us the opportunity to opt out of the filming. Now you gotta ask yourself exactly how is that going to work, huh? Apparently opting out meant that every time the film crew was near, you had to wave your arms around screaming 'NOOOOOOOO! I OPTED OUT!!!' so they wouldn't film you. LOL! I just hope they don't overdub my voice with that of a tiny Chinese lady. 

I guess there are a few reasons why you wouldn't want your face to be on an NKOTB reality show:

a) You told your asshole boss your grandmother died to get the time off. 

b) You told your husband you were going to Cabo with the girls. 

c) You tell everyone your favourite band is Paramore and don't want your dirty little, boy band loving, teeny bopper ass to be found out. 

So after 2 hours we make it through and get on the ship. Lets take a moment to talk about the Carnival SPLENDAH! It looked like a botanists wet dream, fucking flowers and hanging baskets everywhere. I don't know about you but when I hear the word 'Splendour', I'm thinking I'm gonna be sitting my ass on a gold toilet seat not weed whacking my way through the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. 

The layout of the boat was highly suspect this year. It definitely got a one eyebrow raise from me when I saw the Lido for the first time. The beauty of last years boat was in the tiered seating arrangement. Every mother fucker could see the stage and if not at least a screen. This year it was flat. It was like a GA concert of epic proportions. If you wanted to sniff a New Kid you had to make sure your ass was planted on that Lido deck hours ahead of time or face an evening in no-mans land where you couldn't see shit, couldn't do shit and couldn't even get to the bathroom to go for a…..well you know. 

I think I encountered one of those 'I've been stuck at the back of the boat from 4 days' dejected souls on GPS night. Me and two friends went outside on Deck 11 to get some air and there was a girl on the next table bitching very loudly about how she 'ain't gonna dress like a ho to get into VIP'. 

All I can say is, for that my dear we are ALL truly thankful. To be fair, she did kind of look like she spent the 3 weeks prior to the cruise at a facility with rubber walls, colouring in circles with crayons. 

At least the boat had a retractable roof. Walking around the Lido deck during the day when the roof was on was weird. It kind of had that big, enclosed, floating cult,  greenhouse vibe going on. I have to say, I'm not a fan of the NYC to Bermuda route. I really missed the beach time in Miami, the cheap hotels and the Latin men wearing very little clothing. 

Anyways, lets get back to story. We were pretty much the last people to get on the boat which meant that the bar was closed for the mandatory fire drill. Don't these people realise that when you've been standing in line for hours and hours staring at a girl wearing neon spandex you really need alcohol to numb the pain, like fucking now maybe?? Apparently not. In four years we've been to the 'mandatory' read 'optional' drill ONCE. This year there was no escaping it. We were told there would be a head count and people would be called if they were not there. Not wanting a 'Sonia' situation we reluctantly went to go stand in another line by our muster station whilst a tiny man standing on a box did fuck all other than stand there staring at us whilst the 'drill' was read out over the loudspeaker. I would have preferred the cliff notes to be honest. 'Boaty sink, run over there and jump in tinier boat whilst blowing on this pointless whistle'. 

With the drill over and our suitcases still not having made an appearance it was Sail Away Party time. whoop! This is the first time you get to see all of your million sisters together in one place. The deck was packed by the time we got out there so we went up to the top deck where you could see even less due to the camera crew being up there totally NOT getting in the way /sarcasm. One of the advantages of being tall is that I can see over most peoples heads so I managed to pop off some photos of Lord Jord doing what he does best….

It was cute how excited Jordan and Jon got when our boat went under a bridge. Like children looking at bubbles for the first time. I can't remember the last time I got that excited about, well anything. 

I think all of us ladies did try to appreciate the cool view though, realising that this was probably the only time in the next 4 days any of us would see a massive erection. 

Soon after we moved outside as our boat went past The Statue of Liberty. It was nice and serene out there until Danny and Joe came out and we were joined by 250 selfie wanting oxygen stealers. lol

Couldn't waste too much time staring at the green lady as we had a tight schedule. Dinner followed by NKOTB Feud! They were a little bit more relaxed in the dining room this year, not forcing you to sit with Blockheads you don't know for an hour of tedious awkward conversation. 

The menu was pretty much the same as all the other years just with less Mahi Mahi. Maybe they can't survive in the Hudson? lol. 

As usual the service is slow as all fuck which boggles my tiny mind when all the food is pre-prepared. Really? It takes an hour to walk to the kitchen, pick up the plates of food and bring them to the table? Really? FUCKING REALLY????? Our waiters are always lacklustre, probably due to the fact that we never order anything that will give them some commission. 'You want a strawberry daiquiri?' 'You want a vodka?' 'Are you sure you don't want a drink from the bar??'. NO! What I want is for you to stop asking me questions, stop talking to your friends and bring me my mother fucking lobster and sad looking salad in the hopes that I might be able to make it to the Game Show sometime between now and Bermuda!!!!! I get rage when I'm hungry. 

A quick sprint back to the cabin to change into the 3rd outfit of the day for the Game Show. The past couple of years I've been pretty nonplussed by the game shows but this one was actually funny.

I won't go into detail, there are plenty of videos of the whole thing on YouTube but I guess the highlight for everyone except maybe me, was the #DaddysSpecialTreat. I mean I got the joke, I ain't a slow starter or anything I just didn't see why it produced that much hilarity! Maybe it was too obvious for my 'drier than a gnats asshole' sense of humour. The game show was easy to figure out. The top two answers were always 'Penis' or 'Balls'. I love a game show and would like to see just how smart these New Kids actually are next year by giving them real questions on Politics, World History and Geography where the only possible question to the answer of  'balls' is 'What does Hitler only have one of?' ;-)

Another 'Oh no, you didn't' part of the game show was Danny telling the crowds how TORTUROUS the European Tour had been for him. *get your tissues ready, this shit be heart-wrenching* 

He regaled us with a disturbing tale of sexual molestation where he'd spent a month having his nipples tweaked, his balls cupped, his ass grabbed and his torso exposed by his band mates. This story was SO tragic, some starving kids in Africa have started an appeal. I do however think this was all a cunning ruse to get female love. We get it Danny. The kids are not here this year, your crotch is OPEN for business. ;-)

A minor distraction during the Game Show was a girl in the middle who would randomly jump up and down wearing just a bra at any given moment. I guess her suitcase hadn't arrived either. lol

The Deck Party the first night was the Masquerade Ball. Walking out on to the Lido that night was like walking into a room full of rejected movie extras from Eyes Wide Shut. 

The guys looked good albeit a little scary. Jon, holy fucking shit, that's the stuff my nightmares are made of. I've always had this fear of Venetian masks. You know those creepy ones with the long noses. They just remind me of sex games in dungeons where some depraved freaks end up getting their cocks chopped off. *shudder* Made a mental note to avoid Jon all night for my own sanity. 

I met someone I thought I'd erased from my brain on Masquerade Night. Whilst over getting myself a drink with my friend, I suddenly felt someone hovering by my shoulder. I turned round and was eyeball to eyeball with someone that looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't place. 'Do you remember me?', she says. 

'We met in Iowa', she says. We did? OK….um….we didn't because I've never been to Iowa. Turns out it was just her accent and she meant Ottawa. The light bulb in my brain starts to flicker. I've only been to Ottawa once a couple of years ago to go see Jordan's Live and Unfinished show. 'We met in the bathroom at the JK show'. LIGHT…..ON…….DING DING DING!!! Oh fucking christ, no, its YOU! Did you not get the hint during our last interaction that I didn't like you much, mainly because of the weird ass shit you say every time you see me? I'm talking about the girl who cornered me in the bathroom at JK's show to say to me 'Everyone hates you. What does it feel like to be so hated?' with this weird, slightly maniacal look in her eye. I find out a couple of hours later the same girl had gone up to one of my other friends on Masquerade Night and said to her 'Oh your so and so, I know all of the psycho, Blockhead stalkers'. I'm sorry, but White Girl…..WHHHAAAAAATTTTTTT?

Now lets give her the benefit of the doubt and pretend that she is just being funny, sarcastic and trying to bond. LMAO! Yeah right…….

How the fuck she managed to sneak upstairs I don't know. Unfortunately, when you act like a freaking weirdo and start saying nasty shit to people you don't tend to stay up there. Cool, see ya never, bye! lol

Day Two on the ship was shaping to be slightly slower paced than the first day. Not as much rushing around. Or so we thought! Photo op was spread over two different days this year so we thought we would do ours on the last day, however we met some of the people in our group at lunch and they said they wanted to do it today…..like in an hours time. I love hearing those words when I haven't showered, haven't got any makeup on and smell like vodka factory. We sprinted back to our cabin hoping that 3 girls could take 3 showers and all dry their hair with only one dryer between them and be at photo op in an hour. 

When our group came knocking on our cabin door two of us were naked and one was desperately grappling with an errant hair extension. We told them we would be down in 15 minutes, figuring there would be a line anyways. Turns out not. 5 minutes later a desperate call came through to our cabin that they were next in line and we had to get there now. Oh fuck, oh fuck! To cut a long story short we ended up running to the photo op, tripping over the camera crew who had completely blocked the doorway and finding an empty room with just our group standing there looking stressed, the NK's and an angry looking Tall Kevin screaming at us 'YOU'VE HAD 3 HOURS!!!!!'. Actually, Kevin we haven't but I don't have the time to stand around and explain the complexities of our morning to you. Can we just take a moment to talk about Tall Kevin? WTF is up with that dude? He's so mean all the freaking time! If I could do it without needing a step ladder and a pair of stilts I would punch him in the face cause he's an ass who quite clearly hasn't grasped the concept of 'The customer is always right' or at least learnt to fake smile and STFU. 

I'm actually quite glad we hadn't got there earlier as apparently one person in our group completely lost it when they were told they had to join another group for the photo as we hadn't turned up. Apparently Billy, who was in our group was so traumatised by the whole thing, he still hasn't recovered. lol!

Victor was more pleasant about the situation. 'I knew it would be you guys' he says with a laugh. Its all great though because at least I got a super awesome photo with Jordan...

……uhhhhh……shit-sticks. 

Take Two…..slightly better. :-)

At 2:30pm it was time to move our butts to the Spectacular Spectacular Lounge, so spectacular they had to name it twice, for Joe's screening of 'The McCarthys'. Unlike the Kardashians, I haven't been keeping up with Joe world much so it was news to me that he even had a TV show. I'm sure it was great! I wouldn't know because there was a huge ass speaker blocking my view but from the reaction of the rest of the crowd, WINNING! 

Then there was Danny Wood Pong. 

After another underwhelming dinner it was concert time, yay! We were standing over to the side next to the Knight Family Collective. Once again, there were hundreds of them on the ship this year including Mama Knight who'd come to cheer on her sons. Well……SON. lol! 

When Survive You started they all got to their feet and started shouting and cheering as Jon geared up for his 2 solo lines of the night. 

When Jordan came on to do another pitch perfect and fabulous rendition of IBLYF complete with dramatic facial expressions and fake tears?

It was quite clear to me that the 'Son Of The Year' mug is NOT hanging on a mug rack in a tiny kitchen in Milton. I felt I had to overcompensate for my row's lacklustre reaction by practically orgasming at the end during that long ass high note whilst simultaneously replying to a text from my dog saying 'No I can hear it too'. lol

The concert, of course rocked! Watching them on stage never gets old and they were awesome. I did wonder how Mama Knight felt watching '10 times'. The last thing I would want to see when I am on a stage fucking the air is my mothers face. 

Night 2 was Cowboy Night. Oh goody, an excuse for all the old broken down, ratchet ho's with an agenda to wear a pair of butt grazers and a plaid shirt 3 times too small for their over inflated breasts. OMG you came as Daisy Duke? No fucking way. Thats such a shocker. Nooo I agree, you definitely can never show too much nipple. lol

I wasn't enthused about Cowboy Night when it was announced, a feeling that grew when I couldn't find anything I wanted to wear in New York. I got so grumpy over not having an outfit that one night I was heard to exclaim 'Fuck this, I'm not going!'. I was Queening out in Queens. 

Its funny how your mind can change so quickly…..

I think Danny came as a cowboy that moved to LA. lol

Dear Overlords of the Bermuda Triangle, now would be a great time for this boat to fucking disappear into a parallel universe where they are all single and have zero morals or standards. 

Jordan girls, lets just take a moment for ourselves, k?……...

Cowboy Night was a hit despite the fact that I didn't know the words and so couldn't sing along to any of your toothless, hillbilly songs. Joe stripped naked and jumped in the pool and then spent the rest of the night dancing around in sopping wet pants so that #DaddysSpecialTreat could be photographed from all angles. I wonder if his penis will get a mention in the credits of the reality show. 

I get you Joe Girls. He's not my type, but I get the appeal. He looks like he'd choke you, slap you around a bit, fuck you with NO feelings and the throw you out with no cab fare. lol. Would probably wipe his dick on the fancy towels too. ;-) 

After the deck party myself and Jen decided to go to the Donnie party which I have to say, this year, were really good! That probably has something to do with the fact that unlike last year I didn't smash a glass, get shouted at by a Blockhead and end the night curled up in a ball vomiting from both ends. (see last years blog for that scary tale). 

Day 3 was Bermuda! I know nothing about Bermuda other than the fact that Britain owns it or something hence all the little British things on the island like the cute red telephone boxes. Yeah, we didn't get off the boat. Bermuda looked lovely from my balcony but you know what looked better, my bed. Zzzzzzzzzz. 

We had to call Maintenance on Day 3 due to one of us flooding the bathroom. Jen was convinced there was a problem with the shower and that the drain was blocked. Turns out she just didn't have the shower curtain inside the tray so all the water ran out directly onto the floor. Not wanting to look like idiots we let the maintenance guy prod around in the shower with his 'tools' for 20 minutes before he came to the conclusion that we just needed to 'turn the shower head towards the wall'. LMAO!! 

Night 3 was movie night. I was VERY excited about movie night. 

I decided to go as Poison Ivy from Batman. Yeah, its the Batman no one went to see with George Clooney. I spent most of my night explaining to people that NO, I'm not Ariel from the Little Mermaid! Whatever, the outfit and the red wig seemed to attract the males that night as I got hit on twice when at the bar. The first guy was super old. I have no idea who he was but he kept trying to touch me and whisper creepy things in my ear hole. Sorry grandpa, I kind of have this rule that I won't fuck anyone with a pacemaker, dentures or the bladder of a small child. Later on that night I was approached by another dude. I do know who this guy is but I won't name him here. As I was struggling to work out what constitutes a shot of vodka he was all like 'Hey Ivy, you feeling naughty tonight?' with a wink. WTF? Does this bottle of vodka have a man magnet in it or something?? I giggled my way out of the situation and I am happy to report I spotted him later on having slightly more luck with another Blockhead. 

Another thing this cruise will be remembered for is the rise of the selfie! It's the new Autograph. All hail the front facing camera of suspect quality as soon as the sun goes down! I was on a mission to get some fucking photos with New Kids other than Jordan. I swear to God I have 17,000 of him and none with anyone else!

And how did I fare? Mission.Fucking.Accomplished! *shoots guns in the air* Well sort of. Still no Donnie photo but that's ok because he terrifies me and I would never dare ask! lol!! #ScaredOfDonnie

The guys looked amazing that night! Jordan's commitment to staying in character all night was hysterical. And that hair? I can't with that fucking hair!!

The after party that night had a bit of fucking melodrama. I will need to word this carefully so lets call it the 'Guess Who, Don't Sue' section. Hmmmm, k?

1. Which diva was throwing punches on the dance floor when a Blockhead started flirting with her man? I semi-witnessed this. At least the aftermath. #GuessWhoDontSue

2. Who was heard to shout across the deck 'Hey Jon, come over here, I ain't one of those groupie bitches' in front of a bunch of Blockheads? Allegedly. **source, a number of people on the cruise Facebook group** #GuessWhoDontSue

3. Which prominent Jordan girl ditched all her friends to go hang outside the door leading to the All Access Pass area? LOL! Witnessed by moi and several others. #GuessWhoDontSue

4. Which Blockhead stole a Carnival staff members outfit in an attempt to get into one of the New Kids cabins? Allegedly. #GuessWhoDontSue

Lets just also take a moment to talk about VIP this year. I've spoken about this in previous blogs but it was slightly different this year. There was a VIP section but it was down on the Lido deck next to the stage. You needed a bracelet to get in there that you could get from various people including WOJ. I think the bracelets were blue with smiley faces on them and I think those were also for the Donnie party. All Access was on Deck 10 off to the side, you needed an All Access Pass to get up there and those could only be given out by one of the NK's. You cannot buy a pass for $4000 as someone said on the cruise Facebook group. lollers!! Passes are for family members, crew and friends. Contrarary to popular belief AA is not full of groupie sluts. There are some up there but come on, Danny's dick ain't gonna suck itself! Throw the guy a bone, he's single!

As we are on the subject of wild rumours, lets just kick it up a notch and spend a moment talking about that fucking crazy running her mouth off on Twitter, yammering on about Donnie. According to this girl, Donnie told her she was fat and that he hopes she gets raped and now she is in hospital and suicidal. 

Oh Yeah that totally sounds like Mr Love Eternal. I know that the last time I saw him he kicked me in the gunt and then killed a kitten with his bare hands. A quick check of this chicks twitter timeline shows all the signs of your bog standard BSC. Poor spelling, blatant disregard for grammar, lots of caps lock shouting and negative attention whoring. She was cussing out Donnie even before the cruise so I guess she decided to add some gravy for shits and giggles. 

Good job looney tunes, SUCH a cool story. Hey Guess what??

Day Four was another fairly laid back day.The only event we had to go to was Duets at Dusk. I didn't go last year but it looked really good on YouTube so despite wanting to sleep I dragged my ass out to the Lido to watch Joseph doing singing and shit. And it was really good! Theres something about listening to Duets as the sun is going down that makes me emotional. Yup, I started to cry like a gay man at Elton John's farewell concert. The singers were great, I can't mock them! They were really good! 

Even Jordan graced us with his presence to bust out Angel of Love with Robyn Sky. I was excited! Until Robyn Sky appeared and then I think I can safely say all Jordan girls had the same reaction. 

Oh Awesome. She's quite attractive. How great. I'm beside myself with joy at having to watch them sing to each other…..

The final night was GPS Night. I'm so bored of GPS night and hated my outfit so much I changed into something totally not GPS'y! My dress was floral so technically I could have been representing the English countryside. The neon glow sticks were GENIUS! So fucking cool that for the second time that day, I got a little teary when looking down at the Lido. 

GPS night always sucks because it has that last night vibe and is full of goodbyes to people that you love. 

The night started off well though, I learnt The Wobble. I now feel like I can go to any black or Mexican wedding and fit right in! And my night ended on stage dancing with Donnie. 

I usually end every cruise by sitting on my balcony at 5am crying. This time I went and got changed into comfy clothes at 5am and then came back up to the deck and did my crying into the hair of the people I'm crying over, instead of on my own. Booooo! 

We never go to bed on the last night, no fucking point cause you all know that at 8am you are gonna get woken up from your stinking pit of vodka hell by Rose Tours screaming over the loudspeaker…

Bitches be like….

Why the fuckity fuck are those people so chipper at that time of the morning? Do you think they put on that super annoying voice particularly to annoy the crap out of you. It is the most irritating sound known to man and it goes on and on and on. STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!

And at last it was time to leave the floating boat of Love Eternal and head back to reality. Which lets face it, pretty much sucks balls in comparison. The end of another wonderful cruise!

Thanks to all the people who made this year special for me. The 'Angela's', The 'Andreas', Becky, Lynn, Grethel, Mahasha, Colette, Lisa, Elan, Krissy, 'The Nephews', Jord and Jon. And again to the two people who are my heart, my gorgeous Jen and MC. Love you x

Just think ladies, just another 358 days to go until the next one. 

See y'all next year!