So, lets continue how the pre-cruise blog left off and once again delve into the email inboxes of the New Kids and Jared.
From: jaredakathewizard
To: NKOTB
'Sup guys, its the Wizard :-) So, Jared P has asked me to speak to you as he's off in MInnesota waiting for Big Time Rush's balls to drop. So, how's things Down Under? I have a surprise for you!! I'm squeezing in a couple of extra shows in between Australia and the cruise. You're off to.....um, hang on, I have it here......Jakarta and Manilla! whoop! I've attached a map to the bottom of this email and circled them in red crayon. No need to thank me! :-)
From NKOTB
To: jaredakathewizard
'Sup Jared. WORD! Love, NKOTB
From jaredakathewizard
To: NKOTB
'Sup guys, its THE WIZARD. :-) I'm not sure why you are all so pissy. I mean come on, 4 days is plenty of time to travel half way round the world, spend some time at home and then get to Miami for 4 days of no sleep! You get to see your families for 30 hours! The Wizard is a giver. PS/ Jared P kind of committed you to recording a cruise theme song in between. We're gonna call it Live It Up! It's basically Stay with me Baby played backwards with some super cool auto-tune. I'm thinking some suspect and suggestive lyrics relating to cheating on your spouse and encouraging girls to drink tequila would be totally awesome. Also, lets throw in some lines in Spanish. The latin thing is still HUGE right now. Is that guy a genius or what? :-)
From joemcintyre
To: jaredakathewizard
'Sup Jared. You expect me to jerk my gherkin over this? Ya prick.
From dannywood
'Sup Jared. What the flying fuck??
From jordanknight
'Sup Jared. I really, really, really, really, really think that Like A Wave is a better choice.
From jonathanrknight
'Sup Jared. Live It Up? That's fucking RETAHHHHDED.
From donniewahlberg
'Sup Jared. You're awesome. That's such a great idea. I love you. Don't change.
'Sup guys, its the Wizard :-) Please refer to me as The Wizard from now on. The chicks dig it. See ya on the boat!!!
LOL!!
We arrived in Miami a week before the cruise set sail. You can always tell when its getting near as South Beach becomes infested with swarms of women that ordinarily would NEVER go to somewhere like Miami on vacation. I do take my hat off to these proud merchandise wearers, repping it out for NKOTB on Ocean Drive with their assortment of T-shirts, backpacks, hats and of course, Crocs. You know how much Danny loves Crocs. Do you think he gets a twinge in his side every time a Blockhead lands at Miami International sporting pink polka dot Crocs? Like some kind of ugly footwear based voodoo doll? What the flying fuck indeed. Now don't get it twisted, I ain't ashamed to be an NKOTB fan, I just have a dislike of band merchandise in general. Apart from that blue shirt that Block Nation members received. That was fucking nice (as a night shirt) and almost made me want to hand over $80. I said almost.
It's always hilarious when people you get talking to in Miami ask you what cruise you are going on. The conversation usually goes like this:
Random: 'So what you girls up to tomorrow?'
Us: 'Um, we're going on a cruise'
Random: 'Ooooo so fun! Where does the cruise go?'
Us: 'The Bahamas and Key West'
Random: 'Nice! What kind of cruise is it?'
Us: 'It's a special cruise'
Random: 'Special? Like how?'
Us: 'I have diarrhoea. We gotta go'.
Trying to explain the NKOTB cruise to a non-fan is hard work. It's easier just to pretend you suddenly feel sick and leave.
So the morning of the cruise finally arrives. I'm always nervous for some reason. I hate the taxi ride to the port as I start to have flashbacks of the previous year. Hoards of women all lined up in the hot midday sun looking out for people they recognise from Twitter. It's all very strange. We decided to go earlier this year as the previous 2 years we had never seen NKOTB arrive at the port. Not that its very exciting but its more entertaining than watching Tess from Texas rub lotion into her bingo wings. We found out little group of friends and after obligatory photos, THE NKOTB arrived. To much squealing. It was so exciting I almost peed myself. They walked in, they waved, they smiled, they got on the ship. I'm glad I got up 2 hours early for that shit. lol.
Slowly they called each section to line up at the counters. Now THIS is the most exciting part. This is where you get given your wristband, seat assignment and your Sign and Sail card! It seems Rose Tours deem you as incapable to putting your own wristband on your wrist and instead assign two burly looking staff members to do it for you. I didn't hold out much hope of topping last years, 2nd row seats and when the Carnival woman eventually found our booking....it was touch and go for a moment.....I was pleasantly surprised. Row C, in the middle. Woooo, I'm thinking 3rd row for the events. Sadly no. When I consulted my techni-coloured seating chart those bastards had put in rows AA and BB at the front. These were reserved for the people that had bought suites. I mean come on, if you're that rich that you can afford a suite, go sit at the back and count your money. Let us paupers get near the front so we can fill the dollar bill shapred void in our lives with a fleeing moment of Jordan eye-sex. lol. Its the charitable thing to do.
Speaking of charity, let me digress for a moment. So the 'Charity event' before the cruise was a total train wreck. The chick running it made off with all of the money. Classy. She didn't even pay the DJ. What the fuck is up with that?? Rip off the charity but for gods sake, pay the DJ! Cold. Regardless, I hope everyone that attended managed to get their money back.
Back to the story. We finally get on the boat and end up in another line. Oh yes, I forgot about the mandatory and utterly ridiculous photo op! You are FORCED to have your photo taken in front of some lame backdrop of palm trees with your be sties by an enthusiastic member of Carnival staff. At least they had done away with the 'props' this year. The first year we had to sit on a log and then last year we had to hold a pineapple. That's right. Cause nothing says 'Fun Times' like caressing a piece of plastic fruit. 3 forced smiles later and we were on the Lido deck, heading for a much needed smoke with the rest of the captives. Ahh the Lido deck. When you first get on the boat, its all a bit overwhelming. It's what I imagine the holding room for rejected America's Got Talent acts would look like. Oh looky, there's contestant number #3435 Luscious Linda from Little Rock with her 'balancing 5 plates of food on various body parts' act. And over there is contestant number #2765 Paraletic Paula from Cleveland with her 'I've been here 10 minutes and I'm already drunk' tomfoolery. LMAO!! There is a nice bubbling sense of excitement though and after a couple of hours you don't notice these things anymore as you become numb and part of your surroundings.
As we sat there waiting for our room to become available, drinking some orange coloured drinks with unidentifiable ingredients, I tried to take the whole scene in. As crazy as it all is, I was happy to be there and excited for the next few days. We headed to our cabin eventually, which this year was up on Deck 10. Yeah, that little area behind the water slide was where we were, far away from the rest of the boat as there were only a few rooms up there. Our room was as underwhelming as ever, although slightly better than last year. Two beds and a bunk. Jen was relegated to the bunk due to her bizarre teeth grinding in her sleep which sounds like a cat having an orgasm. *shudder* NKTV was interesting.....for the first 30 minutes. It contained some Jordan solo vids, some of the Block Nation vids and some random stuff off of YouTube. On repeat. All day. After a while you feel like you are in that movie A Clockwork Orange, having your mind re-programmed in to some kind of Blockhead lemming/bot.
The first afternoon was the sail away party. Fuck me, I thought we'd been moving for an hour already but it seems we hadn't even left the port. LOL!! I dread that boat moving cause it means the thing we ALL fear most in the world. No phone signal for the next 3 days. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! When I put my phone in the drawer knowing I would not be fondling it for at least 36 hours, I wanted to cry. Parting is such sweet sorrow. The I figured that everyone I talk to on there was here anyways and so it wasn't that bad. And honestly, my mum can wait 3 days to tell me about my uncles bowel movements. However, this was the first year we discovered this AMAZING invention called......the cabin phone!! Holy fuck, you can pick this thing up, press the buttons and CALL PEOPLE in other rooms. That was totally fun, although my obsession with answering the phone shouting 'Andre's Massage Parlour' was kind of played out after the third call. lol
SAIL AWAY PARTY
The Lido deck was RAMMED by the time we got down there. It seemed way busier than any other year. The usual assortment of people were there. Some cuties, some not so cuties, some wide-eyed newbies in an advanced state of Post Traumatic Stress, some jaded 4th timers and a higher than usual concentration of dudes. Woooo! So nice to see some sausage in amongst all this clam. We stood off to the side near the bar and still had a pretty decent view. I spent most of the next hour trying to stay away from the girl in front of me who had huge bites all over her shoulders!! Poor girl! I don't know what they were, but they looked infectious and she was wearing a sleeveless top. I know its hot outside but fuck girl, keep those under wraps or at least invest in some Dermablend total coverage body makeup. I wanted to spray her with aloe or calamine lotion! :-(
So out come the boys doing their very best to try and looked enthusiastic despite secretly wishing they were laying in their NKOTB oniesies in their air conditioned cabin watching re-runs of Hawaii Five O. The crowd went wild. Although one thing we noticed was it seemed to be a lot calmer this year. The previous two years there seemed to be a certain amount of desperation to get near the NK"s with girls climbing up railings etc to get to them. This year, everyone was really chill. It kind of threw me as the chillness kind of came off as 'not as excited as usual'. I need crazy bitches doing crazy things to get me in the mood for 4 days of partying but instead everyone was......respectful. *Clutches pearls* I do not come on an NKOTB cruise for this level sanity god dammit! Someone do something insane.....pee yourself, take a poop in the pool, beat someone to death with a Donnie doll.....ANYTHING!!! I put it down to their being a whole heap of first time cruisers and the damn heat. June in Miami SUCKS ASS!!! The heat is stifling. It's sweaty, hot, uncomfortable and makes you sleepy. The party itself was the same as usual. Jordan danced around in his own little world doing the Big Bopper smile whilst wearing a long sleeve black sweater! WTF? It's 100 degrees out here, you cold boo??
*Photo purely here to show evidence of long sleeved black top, k?
Donnie got all WOW'ish and made us recite an oath. Yes, an oath. Joe cracked some jokes, Danny held up 50 Shades of Grey and Jon the honey badger smiled and smoked on the balcony. Remember people, the honey badger is SO badass. The honey badger don't give a crap. If you've never seen that YouTube video, I highly recommend giving it a watch!
We were Group A this year, early dining which meant dinner at 6pm. We wandered down to the dining room on the first night and the hostess said 'How many?', we said '3!'. She then ushered us over to a 10 person table. Um...no. Just no. There was already a group sitting there that they wanted us to join. We had to ask to sit on our own to which she raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow and were immediately labelled as 'unsociable'. MC gave it to her straight 'We don't like people' hahahaha!! The service that night was TERRIBLE!!! We waited so long to get menus, and then no bread and it was all just a bit of a clusterfuck. There was at least 10 waiters just standing around not actually doing anything. The only time they burst into action was when the music came on for their nightly 'show' where they attempt to resurrect some suspect Ricky Martin Menudo days dance moves. It's cringy but kind of funny particularly when Jen got dragged into their fuckery and forced to conga around the entire dining room with them. Hilarity.
The first night's entertainment was NKOTB Squares. I was kind of hoping it was going to be like NKOTB Jeopardy like on the first cruise, but sadly no. Donnie was very charismatic as the shirtless host but the main highlights of NKOTB Squares were Victor dancing to I'm Too Sexy and Earl having to answer the 'Why Not?' question. The most irritating thing about NKOTB Squares was Naughty By Natures blatant dip-shittery when it came to answering q's, instead using the question to lead into one of their 2 hit songs. 'So NBN, why is the sky blue?', 'Well Donnie.......OPP yeah you know me!!! Hip Hop Hooray ho, hey ho....' I mean what the flying fuck? It don't even make sense! Even worse, they made everybody stand up for the 10 seconds that the song played so we were up and down like a yoyo. Sit down boys and answer the damn question. I hate blatant rule breakers!! This is not the NBN Cruise. You'd be lucky to sell out a canoe!;-)
Honestly, I couldn't pick a single member of Naughty by Nature out of a line up. Everytime we saw a black dude on the Lido deck we were like 'Oh, there's one of NBN!'. It took us 3 days to realise that was actually Jordan's band. LMAO!
I'm going to cover all the deck parties in one go at the end of the blog so moving on to Day 2.....
HALF MOON CAY
So Day 2 and its time for the coven of crazy to move their asses onshore for a day of sweating, heatstroke and waiting! Holy Jesus NKOTB....Why??? Why does it take you soooo long to get to HMC every year? By the time you arrive we've all been slowly cooking in the sun for HOURS on an island that has ZERO shade! I saw some girls so red, I could have fried an egg on their ass! lol!
The whole organisation of the concert was again pandemonium as it was last year. Again if you had paid more for your cabin and had a pink, gold or black bracelet you were supposed to get the premium standing area in front of the stage. But of course, the lazy Rose Tours staff decided that this was WAY too much work in the hot sun and so didnt bother checking bracelets so it was a free for all. People who paid like $20 for their cabin (lol) had front row! WTF????? Not that we cared. I can't think of anywhere I would rather not be than stuck in a mosh pit surrounded by sweating, red, oiled up girls. We ended up sitting in the sea for most of the show. The only advantage of this heat was that the shirts came off.....the NK's, not ours. This isn't Europe people!
Oh, I forgot to mention, we saw a snake on the beach.....
That night we had Joe's show and Evening Wood. I didn't go to the Joe/Danny show last year as I wasn't feeling well so was quite looking forward to seeing it this year. We went down to the Palladium for 9pm when the show was supposed to start. We were met by hundreds of women all sitting around outside the doors and a line stretching all the way around the room. The show was running late apparently and Danny was still doing soundcheck. Fabulous. Thats the problem with the nights when their are events. If the event runs late it means you have next to no time to get ready for the deck party in the evening. After 40 mins of waiting I was busting for the bathroom which was located right at the front of the line. When I came out of the bathroom, I bumped into a girl I know so we stood their chatting for a few minutes. Some girl in a wheelchair then proceeded to shout at us for 'blocking the entry' and 'line jumping' LMAO!! Bitch please. We're nowhere near the entrance and who gives a flying fuck about line jumping when its assigned seating?? And since when did she become the SSNKOTB Junior Deputy Fire warden, making sure all escape routes and exits are clear?? Seriously! Stop yelling. Just because someone is in a wheelchair, it doesn't mean they ain't an asshole.
Eventually we got in. Danny was up first with his guitar. I'm not an expert on the back catalogue of Mr Wood but I got the gist of his style after one song. *strum strum* heartfelt lyrics *strum strum*. Next song.....*strum strum* heartfelt lyrics *strum strum*. He then said that he finished working on a new song in his cabin that evening which he then played *strum strum* heartfelt lyrics *strum strum*. lol. I respect Danny for all the work he does for Komen etc but I kind of felt like saying DUDE!!!! PLEASE CAN WE NOW HEAR SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME WANT TO SLASH MY WRISTS WITH MY SIGN AND SAIL CARD!! I was really hoping he was gonna bust out that dirty song he did with Trinity. I think its called I Like It Like That. It's hot! See link below :-)
Sadly, no such luck and whilst it was nice to see him sing solo for the first time, I felt like comfort eating myself towards Type 2 diabetes.
Anyways, I was kind of distracted during Danny's set as Jordan was sitting up in the belfry with the bats observing proceedings below. I side-eyed so much, I think I permanently detached a retina. ;-)
Next up was Joe. MC was super excited to see him so I made a conscious effort not to zone out for the next hour. Not because I don't like Joe, I DO! I just find he talks a lot sometimes and my mind wanders. Joe stated at the start that he was still trying to work this show out so I think it was all a bit of an experiment. It was nothing like I was expecting. I was hoping for some actual Joe solo songs but instead it was kind of like this strange broadway-esque walk through his past. I liked the idea, I just find he goes off on tangents sometimes and I lose focus. At one point he was talking about a bricklayer or something. No freaking idea what that was all about. He did say some nice stuff about the other guys though and kind of teared up. I'm always suspicious when an NK starts to cry. Unless its Donnie and then its just standard. Stay the Same and 5 Bros Million Sisters were good. Some of the other stuff, I wasn't really feeling but he has a great voice, no doubt and the Joe girls definitely enjoyed it which is the main thing. It was all a bit heavy on emotion for me.....losing a parent, parent with Alzheimers etc. I was longing to go back to Jordan-land where everything is a lot simpler......O-Faces, dancing Rockstars, cabana boys, cake and ice-cream. waaaaaah!
PHOTO OP
Day 3 was Photo Op time! Notoriously one of the most stressful parts of the cruise. The Rose TOurs staff seem to morph overnight from friendly helpers into shrieking Nazis! You MUST be in a group of 10 otherwise and I quote 'You will not be allowed to take a picture with NKOTB' Say what???? Oh that shit ain't right. I mean I get it but ya know if you have like 8 in your group, does it REALLY matter?? If you got to the front of the line and you did not have a group of 10 you were unceremoniously herded off to the 'room of losers'. haha! I kid you not! They had a special room for rejects that didn't have a group. If you were looking for people to fill your group you were directed to the room of rejects. It's like going to the dog pound to look for a puppy to take home before they put it to sleep. You'd walk in to people dotted around on their own, all sad faced, holding signs saying 'Jon Girl'. Now you would think that being placed in the room of rejects would be so mortifying that you would no longer be picky. Oh no, these were some picky bitches!! 'I will ONLY stand with Jordan so if you don't have a Jordan spot, then I won't join your group'. OH OKIE DOKES THEN!!! You've just REJECTED a super awesome photo group and secured a mention in my blog! Good luck finding a Jordan spot....those are as rare as fuck!
Now there was a slight bit of drama in our group. We had pre-organised our group of 10 and then at the last moment, 2 of the girls dropped out. I can't remember why. I think one stubbed her toe and managed to get a pass for the handicapped section or something. So we were left looking for 2 people in the room of rejects to fill our group. Eventually we found two people. We stated quite clearly which spots were open. They agreed but then were overheard saying something to each other like 'well, I'm just going to grab Joe when we get in there'. OH HELLS TO THE NO! This is not how our group rolls! So Becky, the matriarch of our group put a stop to that by stating quite clearly how it was gonna go down. Chicks be sneaky, man! That's why I always sleep with one eye open. ;-)
I'm what they call a 'swinger' when it comes to the photo-op. I'm the honey badger, I don't give a crap who I stand with. I will fill whatever spot is available. Last year I was with Danny, this year I got to stand with Jordan which worked out well.
Now, the photo-op was much better organised than last year! The line was long but not 9 flights of stairs long thank goodness. I would say we were in line for maybe 40 minutes compared to 2 hours last year. I don't know what the hell I was thinking but I was loitering with Jen and MC talking to Danny and suddenly I heard, One, Two, Three....ahhhh! I had to do a mad dash into JK's open armpit. I swear to God the photo is gonna be an action shot of me running!! haha!! I kind of hope it is. I didn't say a great deal to any of them due to the fact that I was sure I smelt like an old bottle of vodka after the night before's shenanigans. Jon laughed at my sunglasses and asked if I was still drunk....ha! Joe said 'You look like a Rockstar'. I think it was sunglasses and my unbrushed hair. Fortunately, Charlie was there to help my hungover ass down the stairs to avoid some major ass over tittage.
DDUBS BACKRUB AND JK LIVE AND UNFINISHED :-)
Having not seen Jordan's show live before, I was VERY excited to the point of self harm. However, the prospect of having to sit through Ddubs Backrub first frightened the Jordan dolls out of me. After not attending last year and hearing all the stories about the show I was sure that I would have to spend at least an hour scrubbing my eyeballs with bleach.
The Palladium was setup like a tarts boudoir, leather couches, soft lighting, purple throws and Rob Lewis is the corner thinking WTF, I'm a freaking MUSICAL GENIUS and I'm here providing the backing track to some soft core porn cheese. DAYUM! I could be in Atlanta with mother fucking Usher! haha. Just kidding.
So Donnie comes walking out from the back of the room, dressed in a robe, walking across rose petals scattered by his man bitch, World of Johnny *clap clap*. And so it begins. He deploys the RnB voice and starts wooing the easy crowd with his cunning linguistics. 3 girls were invited on to the stage to be treated to some man-handling by The Berg. There was a banana, there was cream being licked off body parts, there were handcuffs, there was massaging and some kissing. I surprised myself by managing to watch the whole thing and not feeling too uncomfortable. It wasn't quite as cringe as I was expecting as it was done with quite a lot of humour and it was clear that Donnie was not taking it too seriously. He's the only one out of all of them that can pull this type of shit off well. I'm pretty sure if you are a Donnie girl, this is your idea of a wet dream. The restriction on cameras was a bit of a pain in the hole. I mean, I would have killed for a photo of Blue Bloods star, Hollywood actor and general all round good egg, Donnie Wahlberg licking some whipped cream off of a sweaty clavicle. I'll give him props though, it was entertaining for sure! :-)
Right on to the main event, Jordan being all sexy and shit and singing some songs! yay!! So the show starts with his two dancers leaping enthusiastically onto the stage and throwing some mad shapes. I can't remember these lil guys names so for the sake of this blog, I'm just gonna call em Bert and Ernie. :-) They are all cute and young and energetic and probably thanking their lucky stars that this gig has enabled them to leave the ghetto side of Sesame Street once and for all!
All of a sudden and without warning, Jordan bursts on to the stage like a leather clad, tight jean wearing, triangle haired DEMI-GOD!
I wanna smash it like a piñata!
Even Jen was like 'He looks goooooood' to which I whipped out my flick knife, pointed it in her direction and screamed 'Back off bitch or I'll cut ya'. lol. And then disaster struck :-( He starts singing, but we can't hear anything. Nooooooo! I wanted to cry. He went off stage, hopefully to kick some ass!! I made a mental note to find the audio guy later and stink palm him. A few minutes later and our hero returned, yay!! He played his full show. Stingy was AWESOME! Probably my favourite of the night. Rockstar, fucking hilarious. Man oh man, those girls have balls to get up there and do that shit. its an odd predicament to be in. If you are the Rockstar you kind of want to dance up on him all sexy and shit but at the same time you don't wanna look like the lame chick that's trying too hard to be sexual in front of a crowd of girls that hate you! The default setting for JK's Rockstars seems to be, go absolutely fucking crazy, do the cabbage patch, the grapevine, the electric boogaloo, throw in some dramatic spins and of course beckon him over with a come hither look before attempting to body roll him into submission. Jordan has this uncanny ability to be all up on a chick dancing whilst maintaining a safe distance of 2ft at all times! LOL!! If aforementioned Rockstar gets to grabby, he shimmies and maintains his 2ft restriction. I imagine him receiving a phone call from Boston after the videos hit You Tube 'THAT WAS 1FT NOT 2FT!! No blow jobs.....1 year, PUTO!!' *slam* lol! ;-)
And guess who turned out to be the biggest Jordan girl in the room?? BILLY!!! haha! He was sitting in our row and every time I looked over he had his lips pursed and was swaying his hips around really in to it. He SO wants to be a New Kids and you know what, if a spot opens up, I'd vote him in!!! :-)
Anyways, the concert was AMAZING! I really loved it. There is no bias AT ALL in this blog, k? ;-)
OK onto the deck parties. I've read a lot of BS this week from people who weren't even on the cruise let alone in VIP with regards to how it all worked and went down. Its very simple...
There were 3 VIP's this year.
Regular VIP (up the stairs and to the left hand side).
Bracelet required.
Elite VIP (directly behind the guys in the roped off area)
Invite by band member only or All Access Pass required.
Donnie's Afterparty VIP
Bracelet required from Donnie or Donnie by proxy.
Aside from the addition of the Donnie parties this year, VIP worked pretty much the same as last year. The main difference being, Johnny, Kevin or any member of the crew etc could NOT get you into Elite this year. You needed an invite from a band member. I think this was due to last year, too many people being in that area so they cut it right back. The exception was the last night when very late in the night, Donnie let a bunch of people in. On one of the nights a conga line started down on the Lido which came up the stairs and through Elite VIP. It was pretty hilarious watching one girl, jump out of the conga line and be all like 'I was here all along' LOOOL!
The other difference was, NO FREE DRINKS in regular VIP. I ain't surprised. The Russian bartender last year must have cost Rose Tours so much money with his heavily vodka laden concoctions! Obtaining VIP bracelets again, exactly the same as last year. See previous blog. lol.
I'm not going to go through each deck party as its basically just a bunch of people having a good time. However, the stand out moment on the first night (I think) was the girl that fell in the pool on the Lido deck! LMAO!! She's fine, so feel free to laugh! All her shit was bobbing around in the water. I don't know how or why she fell but she was brought upstairs and given a good towel drying by Johnny. She didn't seem to perturbed by the incident when as soon as she had dried off, she grabbed Jordan and kind of dragged him over to the railing and proceeded to jump up and down with him in a head lock 'Look at me!! Yes I fell in the pool but now I'm up here, dancing with Jordan. And my pants are wet!!!! Wooooooo'. LMAO! Bless her!
SONIA-GATE
This girl deserves an entire paragraph all on her own simply for being this years cruise legend! Ahh Sonia. How I love thee! We were all rudely woken up on the final morning by a Rose Tours rep telling us all to get our asses to immigration. Thankfully, we got to go to the much shorter 'Canadians and Aliens' line. My only regret is not going dressed as E.T. Its the last thing you need at 8am in the morning. I mean seriously, WTF? Some of us had only had 2 hours of sleep. Most of us made it down to immigration. Except Sonia. 'Will Sonia please make her way to immigration, this is a legal requirement!' Over and over again on the tanoy! 'Sonia, Sonia in room 12345, PLEASE make your way to immigration immediately'. 'PAGING FUCKING SONIA YOU IDIOT!! UNLESS YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF SUCKING NK COCK, GET YOUR FUCKING LAZY ASS TO IMMIGRATION SO WE CAN LEAVE KEY WEST SOMETIME THIS CENTURY!!!!' hahaha!! #WhereTheFuckIsSonia started appearing on Twitter. Hilarity!! All day we wondered if Sonia ever made it to immigration! Her name has now become synonymous with things that are lost. My keys are fucking Sonia! I have a huge girl crush on Sonia. Anybody who fucks up Rose Tours best laid plans is ok in my book!
Also, it went ghetto in the handicapped area. A scuffle broke out over Donnies towel and a girl in a wheelchair ended up with a cut nose after some chick tried to grab it out of her hand. Oh the humanity!!
And so before we knew it, the final night was upon us! We partied all night and when it got to 5am myself and MC retreated back to the cabin to try and sneak a couple of hours of sleep. MC went to bed and I went and sat on the balcony and I don't know what came over me but I turned into Donnie! As I sat there with my feet up, the cold rush of 5am air betwixt my thighs, looking at the lights of Miami as we made our way back to the Port, I came over all teary! 'This is soooooooo pretty out here' I sobbed....on my own....on the balcony! I could hear Donnie doing one of his speeches on the Lido deck which made me blub even more and by the time Jen got back to the cabin, I was two WOW's away from suicide.;-)
So in summation, after a slow start it did turn out to be the BEST CRUISE EVER! I make light of it here, but it is truly a highlight of my year and I would't be without any of it! Thanks boys! See ya next year. xo
** Jordan image taken by @ATLAngela
** If I have used your photo in this blog and you have an issue with that, please DM me and I will take it down.
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